Why vegans smell so bad

How a veg-heavy diet will ruin your social life

I can tell when a vegan enters the room with my eyes closed -- because I don't need to see them to know they're there.

I can SMELL them.

If you've been around a vegan or a vegetarian, you know exactly what I'm talking about: room-clearing farts.

I'm pointing this out not to embarrass or humiliate, but because I need to respond to an email making the rounds from the sprout-heads at the Sierra Club titled "You'll Smell Better: 7 Unusual Reasons to Go Veg."

All seven reasons are nonsense (as you'd expect from Sierra Club), but the "You'll smell better" business is the worst of the bunch. It's based on one small and weird study of body odor samples collected via armpit pads.

My guess is the results would've been very different if the sniffers were forced to sit in the same room as the vegetarians. They'd be opening the windows... and maybe trying to jump out.

Vegans and vegetarians have to let loose regularly because the diet is unnaturally high in fiber -- so high that the bacteria that help digest it have to work overtime. It leads to bloating, frequent bowel movements and so many stink bombs that vegans should be required to purchase gas masks for anyone they share a home with.

(I'd suggest earplugs, too, so you don't have to listen to the constant holier-than-thou sermons on soy.)

But you don't have to take my word for it, Google "vegan farts" and "vegetarian farts" if you want to read their cries for help. Here's a small sample:

  • "I've been farting nonstop... It's so bad that I can't stand the smell. Is this the price I'll have to pay?"
  • "Ever since I have gone vegan I have been farting like a wild man."
  • "HELP, I CAN'T STOP FARTING SINCE GOING VEGAN!"

The answers on vegan message boards are often "embrace!" with some people calling it a "benefit" and others saying the butt blasts are a sign of good digestion.

Yeah, right.

On the other hand, what this lifestyle does to your social life is nothing compared to what it'll do to your body -- because a veg-heavy diet is the fastest way to heart disease, mood disorders, memory loss, sexual dysfunction and more. (You can read more about the dangers of a rabbit-food diet right here.)

And poor health stinks worse than any farts.